JJ...You Look Like Mr Bean!

Children are amazing, they take you on the wildest of rides.
From the wee inducingly funny, through the gobsmackingly amazed, to the infuriated and beyond and all the way round to the stop you in your tracks simplistic brilliance of both logic and the complete and utter lack of it.
Just because it's the way things are for us at the moment, both kids come to the shop after school and torture my customers with their erratic behaviour.
We're currently playing what I like to call 'Unlucky Dip', you just can't pick it.
One minute they're charming, eloquent, intelligent and insightful beyond their years, regular diplomatic material and the next it's Marlene Dietrich caterwauling and shooting daggers out her eyes whilst on a particularly nasty bender..... I kid you not.
Either they're coming down with the quietly pandemic throat thing that's behaving like - well, like a "pandemic"  really... (not so scary when it's small is it, if I've learnt anything from journalists it's that font size matters - just putting it out there) or maybe they've honed in on the uneasy zeitgeist that I'm noticing amongst the general populace.
*Note for future blog*
I've discovered the creative/artistic type to be a curiously accurate barometer of the generalised collective emotional state of us humans. There are no doubt all manner of wild hypothesis, baseless assumptions, windswept and interesting explanations, fictional trials and unsubstantiated fact behind this phenomenon which we'll delve into at a later date but right now this particular moment is about the kiddies.
Maybe they're just being hormonal, temperamental kids who've had a shitty couple of years due to no fault of their own.
Now I'm just vacillating........

They get to shop, JJ the Elder wants to walk home, I say no.
I have organised a hairdresser/barber (no less) to come to the shop and give them both LONG (size doesn't matter.... Ha!) overdue haircuts. Alex the Younger (also known as Monkey) is thrilled, she's been angling on this for some time, JJ was all for it ..... till now.
One can only guess today is different because, ..... because,.... because who knows why, there doesn't have to be logic or reason involved.
JJ looks at me defiantly and says, "NO".
Just like that.
I half expected him to have his arms raised in front of him cartoon boxer style, but he wasn't being funny. It was the unspoken 'just try and make me' tone that spiralled me back to 14 yrs old - I'd said it to my mother in what I imagine was exactly the same tone.. oh oooooh.
A tiny part of me was cheering 'good for you', the majority however was thinking, you little bugger.
My response was mature, "YES YOU ARE and there's nothing you can do about it."
Famous last words.
JJ walked over to the counter, snaffled the scissors and said, "I'm going to cut it first so she can't cut it".
This is where I failed. I took the logical path.
"Don't be silly JJ, she's only giving you a trim unless you botch it up and she has to cut it short", I said.
No response, customer walks in and I get distracted.
When the artist has left JJ appears from the store room, nonchalantly walking past me. I am so taken aback I start to laugh.... aloud.
It's like someone has downed 14 beers, put a bowl on their head and gone wild.
Picture the 70's love child of Uncle Fester and Sonny Bono, not exactly the look he hoped to achieve I'm guessing.
There is unhappiness as he realises just what he has done.
Having chopped all my hair off (we're talking a #3 with the hair trimmer) at 14 because I had a thing for punk culture and music, I know it's only a few months and it will grow out again - but he's not concentrating on that right now.
We go out to the balcony, have a hug and I try to even the length a bit, realising as I go that this is going to be a job for a professional. So, what do I do? What any cash strapped parent would do................

When we get home I throw down a towel on the bathroom floor, set up a precariously balanced stool on top of a kids chair, (ingenuity people ........we don't have any tall stools at home) which cunningly serves 2 very similar porpoises. The first being to keep JJ focused and still as there are few things worse than trying to trim the hair of a moving object and the second being to give me the option of unbalancing him if he gets lippy. Besides, it adds a little excitement to the mix, for both of us.
I spend a good 40 minutes just getting the length evened out. When I step back to take a look I realise it's just a neater version of his effort. I have a look on my face and can't help the intake of breath as I'm trying not to laugh, he sees and hears this and asks me accusingly, "What Mum, what have you done?"
And then Alex the Younger comes into the bathroom, she is terribly excited as she has been waiting for some time to see the end product.
"Oh  my  god  JJ,  you  look  just  like  Mr  Bean,"  every word she says is emphasized so we're all quite clear this is momentous. Alex is in a state of wonderment at how I have managed to turn JJ into the spitting image of Mr Bean and (by default) she is now in the presence of a movie star.
There is a split second when it could all go horribly horribly wrong.
I really MUST learn to control my laughter but I just can't at this point and luckily nor can they - both my children have a pretty good sense of humour.
Several reassurances and 30 mins later, ........and so long as he wears his fringe to the side - it actually looks like a professional cut his hair.
I probably could have persisted but we were all tired and what the hell, there has to be some repercussions for a) ignoring your mothers sage advice, b)eing rude and c)ing red and throwing a wobbly.
I have assured him that should there ever be a repeat performance there will be NO haircut.
There will be a #2 with the hair trimmer and maybe a short stint in a military academy.
Which I know is a hollow threat because I'm 100% against forced militarisation of anything, but he's not quite sure - not yet anyway.