Picking a lock.... for f__ksake, if it were that easy to pick a lock jails would be a whole lot emptier - as would banks.
Thank you SO MUCH Hollywood for making my son believe he could pick the lock on the front door.
"But it's easy!" he says - "Obviously not JJ or we wouldn't be having this conversation as we stand outside our locked house, in the dark, front door locked, about to rain, in the dark, door still locked.... are you getting the drift here JJ?"
Yes, JJ The Wonder Boy - at it again.
Within 5 minutes of arriving at the shop after school JJ asks if he can walk home.
Thinking it would be a spiffing way to get him some exercise and head off the inevitable arguments that begin once we hit the 20 min mark in the confines of the shop - I say, "off you go".
What I had not envisaged was JJ managing to lock himself out of the house and then having what must have been a 'light bulb' moment, 'I know' he thinks, I'll try the age old, foolproof.......'truley'........... re-entry method used by all supercool, suave, private eye spy kids.
Pick a lock in under 10 secs, 3 secs if it's a Major motion picture!
Now generally in the magical land of tv and film the venerated masters of lock picking have one of three tools; two long thin metal objects made for the express purpose of picking a lock, I'm wondering exactly which aisle contains these nifty little devices cause I'm pretty sure I've never noticed the sub-heading, Multi Tasking Lock-Picking Tools on the 'find me' banners at the local hardware.
The second 'absolutely truly works' tool in the lock pickers arsenal is the seemingly indestructible credit card....... HA........
My credit card can't withstand a trip to the local shops let alone being shoved into a tight fitting space and slid up and down a couple of times until 'hey presto' the locking mechanism is convinced by sheer weight of credit owed that it simply must open.
The third simple but surefire tool of the trade is of course the humble bobby (hair) pin......... Oh mercy, my brain is starting to hurt...... A friggin bobby pin - come on people, the lock on a 10 yr old girls diary circa 1978 - yes, the reset button on electrical items constructed prior to 1985 - sometimes, keeping fine shoulder length hair out of your eyes - occasionally, but a Lockwood double locking mechanism in staino steel - I think not.
As for JJ's chosen tool ....... a stick............ made of wood....... thin and brittle, dear God boy, WHAT ????? were you thinking (as his Mum I can't help but postscript - NOT A LOT, at this point).
"It was the only thing I could find!" was his reply. Well, yes, there is a garden 2 feet away containing many trees which are not surprisingly a regular source of wood, so kudos to him for using what was at hand, a regular Bear Grylls.
Now you're probably asking yourself at this point, "What's the problem? When you got home why didn't you just open the door with your key??"
You know what, I asked myself the same thing, I also asked JJ the same thing as my key refused to enter the lock any deeper than 5mm.
The thing about thin brittle pieces of wood shoved into small tight spaces and then jiggled about and placed pressure upon is that at some point they are just bound to break - leaving pieces inside said space.
Now at this point I did not know about the whole stick picking saga, as I imagine many a 10 yr boy would do in a situation like this he just watched as I tried to get the key in the lock - effectively pushing/lodging the broken stick further and further into the lock.
Turning to JJ, I asked the question in the tone no child likes to hear - quietly, low register and slowly so there is no misunderstanding...... "What....... did...... you...... do.......?"
"I tried to pick the lock!" he said, the absurdity of the response momentarily made me laugh, "You what????" I asked, not sure if it was a joke. "I tried to pick the lock....... I think I almost got it too!"
Oh JJ............
The pause was palpable, incredulously I was momentarily impressed by his initiative, until I remembered that the key would now not enter the lock - either the lock itself was broken or there was a blockage somewhere ...........?
Trying to stay calm I asked "What did you use to 'pick' the lock JJ?"
"A piece of stick" ...... pause....... "it was the only thing I could find that would fit," he said.
"Where's the piece of stick JJ?" I asked, "Well, it broke," he replied.
"What do you mean it broke, when you pulled it out?" I asked, desperately hoping that what I thought was coming was actually not......
"No, it broke in the lock...... I couldn't get it out......." he said, and there you have it.
The children learnt a few new words in the following 20 seconds, yes, surprisingly they hadn't 'heard' them all prior to this. Not sure what I'll use in the future should the need arise!
To cut a long story short-er, JJ was forced (after 15 mins of arguing and pleading) to gain entry to the house via a scary, dark, spiderweb infested walkway and after 35 mins of torch lit magnifying glass enabled micro surgery with an extremely long thin Macgyver like pair of art tweezers I got the offending stick out of the lock saving us $300.00 on a new lock and labor charges to the local locksmith, who just happens to be unable to pick most locks - he REPLACES them.
Thank you Hollywood.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Thursday, 29 December 2011
For my Mother Josephine.
You may feel lost and you may forget but you will never be lost from me, never be forgotten in my heart.
I will carry you with me, inside me, always.
I will hear you in words and phrases that I speak, that I think.
I will see you in my children, and in their children.
I will miss you terribly when you are gone from here but I know this.....
We will be together again in other lives and at the source of all creation.
I will love you always.
I'm telling you now because I want you to know this while you are still here and though your mind may wander and your thoughts become confused you are definitely still here.
I will carry you with me, inside me, always.
I will hear you in words and phrases that I speak, that I think.
I will see you in my children, and in their children.
I will miss you terribly when you are gone from here but I know this.....
We will be together again in other lives and at the source of all creation.
I will love you always.
I'm telling you now because I want you to know this while you are still here and though your mind may wander and your thoughts become confused you are definitely still here.
Monday, 7 November 2011
The Rules Do Not Apply - Unless I Say So.....
- Mess around with the rules.
Grammer and spelling hhmmmmmmm...
It has always been my view that once you have pretty much mastered either/iether :o) of these you are free to mess with them to your hearts content.
For humorous, intellectual or pure smart arse value or all the preceding.
My apologies in advance to all those that are infuriated by the notion of this let alone the actual practise.
Advising you to open a bottle and have a nice stiff drink to relax would be both immature and irresponsible, - so go hardcore instead, which neatly brings us to......
- In for a penny in for a pound.
'All in' I say, as some of the most amazing discoveries are made by not having a set of balls but using them anyway.
A saying my good father drummed into us as kids -
I do believe the origin of which is 'If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well', but imagine having 5 children and finding the time and patience for perfect grammatical repetition.
A bit like another quote I've heard recently from the very talented and impressively down to earth artist Dale Kentwell, 'buddhism and motherhood are a contradiction in terms".
There will be more of this to come but as it's been a ridiculously long time between posts...(have I got stuff to tell you!!) I'm putting this up as is...
- Do it properly the first time.
A saying my good father drummed into us as kids -
I do believe the origin of which is 'If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well', but imagine having 5 children and finding the time and patience for perfect grammatical repetition.
A bit like another quote I've heard recently from the very talented and impressively down to earth artist Dale Kentwell, 'buddhism and motherhood are a contradiction in terms".
There will be more of this to come but as it's been a ridiculously long time between posts...(have I got stuff to tell you!!) I'm putting this up as is...
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Wishing You A Very HAPPY Birthday on 9/11.
I'd just like to take a moment to wish a very happy and fun filled Birthday to those of you born on the 11th September.
In particular those that are children from New York and Washington State.
No matter your sex, colour, race or religion.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Simple Truths #2
Ha ha I did it, it's been 5 - maybe even 6 days since I last posted.
Got a phone call from an old friend, we don't talk as often as we used to but when we do it's as if we saw each other yesterday.
She was ringing to sound me out 'bout stuff'.
:o)
She's smart enough to know 2 things before we even begin talking, she just needs reminding that she knows them.
#1. Provided that it's not a) life threatening, b) pet in the washing machine or c) child holding scissors and a handful of hair,
take a slow deep breath in and out.
Stand back and look at a situation from the outside.
Cast a *'glass' eye over what's causing you grief/distress/irritation (difficult - yes, but so is walking for the first time...and most of us get a grip on that).
If you can do that, paths of clarity, reason and sometimes even wisdom appear.
*'Glass' eye - the ability to look at a person or object free of emotional reaction or attachment.
#2. Trust your gut instinct, unless you've added alcohol, drugs or insanity to the mix.
Now... Thing #1 is not always that easy to do so -
write these headings down at intervals along a page
Under each point write your list, with regard to the issue at hand......
This only works if you are prepared to be honest.
It can be somewhat surprising/confronting to see your 'list' in front of you for the first time.
When you have clarity in your own thoughts, wants and needs, then moving forward may not be the easiest option but it is always the best foundation for the rest of your life.
My mother taught me the 'list' method when I was 14.
Blew my mind.
To cut a long story a little shorter, I had gone to The Mosman Hotel to see a band with a friend the same (under)age as myself, an older (legal) sister and some older friends. Honest to god - we were there to listen to music - my memory is hazy but it might have been The SunnyBoys, Stig or Box Of Fish (1 or 2 of you were present and may remember this incident) anywho..... my friends mother, Hello Mrs Watts! got us busted.
I mean - she 'brought' it - the whole kit and kaboodle, made a scene, threatened the Hotelier, ground her daughter, tried to ground me too!!!!!! LOL blah blah blah, but it didn't end there, she saved the best till last..... (Now I am the mother of a girl I personally think she didn't go far enough - you listening Monkey???)
And for her last trick Mrs Watts rang and admonished my mother for letting her daughter (that'd be me) lead her daughter astray...HA! If you'd known my friend you'd be saying HA! too.
It wasn't enough that she'd ruined (albeit short term) her daughters life, she had to ruin mine as well.
Actually, the truth was that had she known ANYTHING about the people we were with and in fact had she actually known her daughter a bit better she would have discovered there was less to worry about than had we been hanging out at a park/train station/abandoned building or the local scout hall.
Yes, we were breaking the law....., but we were doing so responsibly..... (are you buying it?) - for christs sake we weren't even drinking!!!! mmmmaybe..........
I considered not going home - EVER.... for fear of what would happen, but it's a challenge to rent a room, buy food and pay bills on $10 a week pocket money.
My mother was waiting, she motioned me to the dining room table and told me to sit down.
She then proceeded to recount the phone conversation she'd had with Mrs Watts and asked me to tell her what had happened.
Waiting... waiting... waiting for the sword to fall.......
She placed a pad and a pencil in front of me and placed one in front of herself.
Then she said,
"I want you to write a list of all the reasons you think what you did was okay, and then next to that a list of all the reasons why you'd think I'd be upset and disappointed with you, and I'll do the same."
"Then you can write out what you think is a suitable punishment as will I".
!
!!
!!!
Who was this woman and what had she done with my mother!!!!!
New form of torture maybe - appear all nice, calm and reasonable and then, when you least expect it...........
The simple truth to what she had done was to make me think, in a reasonable and calm manner about what had actually happened - weigh up the pros and cons, consider both other people and myself, the options available and the most appropriate way/s to resolve the issue/problem.
I love my mother, I always have (even when I momentarily hated her I still loved her) and she had pokered me in the smartest possible way.
Not only was she spot on with my need for approval despite my f*** you all attitude; knowing that my acknowledgement of her disappointment in what I'd done was bound to induce more regret in me than any other punishment legally available to her but she'd cleverly gifted me one of the most valuable tools I could ever learn to use.
Kudos to her I say.
Aside from that, my mother trusted me, she still worried as mothers do, but just for the record - we both thought you OVERREACTED in the most massive way Mrs Watts.........., just sayin...........
Simple Truths #2
Be honest,
Be really really honest with yourself and don't let fear get in the way.
. . .
She was ringing to sound me out 'bout stuff'.
:o)
She's smart enough to know 2 things before we even begin talking, she just needs reminding that she knows them.
#1. Provided that it's not a) life threatening, b) pet in the washing machine or c) child holding scissors and a handful of hair,
take a slow deep breath in and out.
Stand back and look at a situation from the outside.
Cast a *'glass' eye over what's causing you grief/distress/irritation (difficult - yes, but so is walking for the first time...and most of us get a grip on that).
If you can do that, paths of clarity, reason and sometimes even wisdom appear.
*'Glass' eye - the ability to look at a person or object free of emotional reaction or attachment.
#2. Trust your gut instinct, unless you've added alcohol, drugs or insanity to the mix.
Now... Thing #1 is not always that easy to do so -
When you think you don't know what you want -
Or what to do -write these headings down at intervals along a page
- What I want.
- What I need.
- What I can live with.
- What I can't live with
Under each point write your list, with regard to the issue at hand......
This only works if you are prepared to be honest.
It can be somewhat surprising/confronting to see your 'list' in front of you for the first time.
When you have clarity in your own thoughts, wants and needs, then moving forward may not be the easiest option but it is always the best foundation for the rest of your life.
My mother taught me the 'list' method when I was 14.
Blew my mind.
To cut a long story a little shorter, I had gone to The Mosman Hotel to see a band with a friend the same (under)age as myself, an older (legal) sister and some older friends. Honest to god - we were there to listen to music - my memory is hazy but it might have been The SunnyBoys, Stig or Box Of Fish (1 or 2 of you were present and may remember this incident) anywho..... my friends mother, Hello Mrs Watts! got us busted.
I mean - she 'brought' it - the whole kit and kaboodle, made a scene, threatened the Hotelier, ground her daughter, tried to ground me too!!!!!! LOL blah blah blah, but it didn't end there, she saved the best till last..... (Now I am the mother of a girl I personally think she didn't go far enough - you listening Monkey???)
And for her last trick Mrs Watts rang and admonished my mother for letting her daughter (that'd be me) lead her daughter astray...HA! If you'd known my friend you'd be saying HA! too.
It wasn't enough that she'd ruined (albeit short term) her daughters life, she had to ruin mine as well.
Actually, the truth was that had she known ANYTHING about the people we were with and in fact had she actually known her daughter a bit better she would have discovered there was less to worry about than had we been hanging out at a park/train station/abandoned building or the local scout hall.
Yes, we were breaking the law....., but we were doing so responsibly..... (are you buying it?) - for christs sake we weren't even drinking!!!! mmmmaybe..........
I considered not going home - EVER.... for fear of what would happen, but it's a challenge to rent a room, buy food and pay bills on $10 a week pocket money.
My mother was waiting, she motioned me to the dining room table and told me to sit down.
She then proceeded to recount the phone conversation she'd had with Mrs Watts and asked me to tell her what had happened.
Waiting... waiting... waiting for the sword to fall.......
She placed a pad and a pencil in front of me and placed one in front of herself.
Then she said,
"I want you to write a list of all the reasons you think what you did was okay, and then next to that a list of all the reasons why you'd think I'd be upset and disappointed with you, and I'll do the same."
"Then you can write out what you think is a suitable punishment as will I".
!
!!
!!!
Who was this woman and what had she done with my mother!!!!!
New form of torture maybe - appear all nice, calm and reasonable and then, when you least expect it...........
The simple truth to what she had done was to make me think, in a reasonable and calm manner about what had actually happened - weigh up the pros and cons, consider both other people and myself, the options available and the most appropriate way/s to resolve the issue/problem.
I love my mother, I always have (even when I momentarily hated her I still loved her) and she had pokered me in the smartest possible way.
Not only was she spot on with my need for approval despite my f*** you all attitude; knowing that my acknowledgement of her disappointment in what I'd done was bound to induce more regret in me than any other punishment legally available to her but she'd cleverly gifted me one of the most valuable tools I could ever learn to use.
Kudos to her I say.
Aside from that, my mother trusted me, she still worried as mothers do, but just for the record - we both thought you OVERREACTED in the most massive way Mrs Watts.........., just sayin...........
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Simple Truths #1
So... over the excitement now - almost, it's been a whole 2 days since I started blogging, 2 posts in 2 days, for the numerically challenged amongst you that's a post a day. I'm no expert but that's just too much pressure. Can you tell I was a sprinter? :o)
Rest assured, unless someone wants to pay me, there will not be a post everyday - I think - no, I'm pretty sure there wont - that would be too much like work and I've put off enough of that already.
As for the length (I could actually feel some of the groans re yesterdays length) some will be short, I'm hoping to try a minimal phase where I shall use as few words as possible per post. Some will just have to be long, but I hope you'll enjoy them.
The beauty of this whole thing is that you are in control. If I start pissing you off - stop reading.
How easy's that. Wish the kids would grasp that concept!
I welcome comments because they will probably inspire, amuse or irritate me, maybe all three, which is all good for thinking/writing/creating.
Simple Truths #1
Love is something we should all give.
Love is something we should all get.
Love is something we should all share.
Everybody, without exception, deserves Love.
No matter who, what, when, how or why.
If I were a Dr I'd tell you to take this 3 times a day, aloud (or whispered is good too).
Rest assured, unless someone wants to pay me, there will not be a post everyday - I think - no, I'm pretty sure there wont - that would be too much like work and I've put off enough of that already.
As for the length (I could actually feel some of the groans re yesterdays length) some will be short, I'm hoping to try a minimal phase where I shall use as few words as possible per post. Some will just have to be long, but I hope you'll enjoy them.
The beauty of this whole thing is that you are in control. If I start pissing you off - stop reading.
How easy's that. Wish the kids would grasp that concept!
I welcome comments because they will probably inspire, amuse or irritate me, maybe all three, which is all good for thinking/writing/creating.
Simple Truths #1
Love is something we should all give.
Love is something we should all get.
Love is something we should all share.
Everybody, without exception, deserves Love.
No matter who, what, when, how or why.
If I were a Dr I'd tell you to take this 3 times a day, aloud (or whispered is good too).
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
JJ...You Look Like Mr Bean!
Children are amazing, they take you on the wildest of rides.
From the wee inducingly funny, through the gobsmackingly amazed, to the infuriated and beyond and all the way round to the stop you in your tracks simplistic brilliance of both logic and the complete and utter lack of it.
Just because it's the way things are for us at the moment, both kids come to the shop after school and torture my customers with their erratic behaviour.
We're currently playing what I like to call 'Unlucky Dip', you just can't pick it.
One minute they're charming, eloquent, intelligent and insightful beyond their years, regular diplomatic material and the next it's Marlene Dietrich caterwauling and shooting daggers out her eyes whilst on a particularly nasty bender..... I kid you not.
Either they're coming down with the quietly pandemic throat thing that's behaving like - well, like a "pandemic" really... (not so scary when it's small is it, if I've learnt anything from journalists it's that font size matters - just putting it out there) or maybe they've honed in on the uneasy zeitgeist that I'm noticing amongst the general populace.
*Note for future blog*
I've discovered the creative/artistic type to be a curiously accurate barometer of the generalised collective emotional state of us humans. There are no doubt all manner of wild hypothesis, baseless assumptions, windswept and interesting explanations, fictional trials and unsubstantiated fact behind this phenomenon which we'll delve into at a later date but right now this particular moment is about the kiddies.
Maybe they're just being hormonal, temperamental kids who've had a shitty couple of years due to no fault of their own.
Now I'm just vacillating........
They get to shop, JJ the Elder wants to walk home, I say no.
I have organised a hairdresser/barber (no less) to come to the shop and give them both LONG (size doesn't matter.... Ha!) overdue haircuts. Alex the Younger (also known as Monkey) is thrilled, she's been angling on this for some time, JJ was all for it ..... till now.
One can only guess today is different because, ..... because,.... because who knows why, there doesn't have to be logic or reason involved.
JJ looks at me defiantly and says, "NO".
Just like that.
I half expected him to have his arms raised in front of him cartoon boxer style, but he wasn't being funny. It was the unspoken 'just try and make me' tone that spiralled me back to 14 yrs old - I'd said it to my mother in what I imagine was exactly the same tone.. oh oooooh.
A tiny part of me was cheering 'good for you', the majority however was thinking, you little bugger.
My response was mature, "YES YOU ARE and there's nothing you can do about it."
Famous last words.
JJ walked over to the counter, snaffled the scissors and said, "I'm going to cut it first so she can't cut it".
This is where I failed. I took the logical path.
"Don't be silly JJ, she's only giving you a trim unless you botch it up and she has to cut it short", I said.
No response, customer walks in and I get distracted.
When the artist has left JJ appears from the store room, nonchalantly walking past me. I am so taken aback I start to laugh.... aloud.
It's like someone has downed 14 beers, put a bowl on their head and gone wild.
Picture the 70's love child of Uncle Fester and Sonny Bono, not exactly the look he hoped to achieve I'm guessing.
There is unhappiness as he realises just what he has done.
Having chopped all my hair off (we're talking a #3 with the hair trimmer) at 14 because I had a thing for punk culture and music, I know it's only a few months and it will grow out again - but he's not concentrating on that right now.
We go out to the balcony, have a hug and I try to even the length a bit, realising as I go that this is going to be a job for a professional. So, what do I do? What any cash strapped parent would do................
When we get home I throw down a towel on the bathroom floor, set up a precariously balanced stool on top of a kids chair, (ingenuity people ........we don't have any tall stools at home) which cunningly serves 2 very similar porpoises. The first being to keep JJ focused and still as there are few things worse than trying to trim the hair of a moving object and the second being to give me the option of unbalancing him if he gets lippy. Besides, it adds a little excitement to the mix, for both of us.
I spend a good 40 minutes just getting the length evened out. When I step back to take a look I realise it's just a neater version of his effort. I have a look on my face and can't help the intake of breath as I'm trying not to laugh, he sees and hears this and asks me accusingly, "What Mum, what have you done?"
And then Alex the Younger comes into the bathroom, she is terribly excited as she has been waiting for some time to see the end product.
"Oh my god JJ, you look just like Mr Bean," every word she says is emphasized so we're all quite clear this is momentous. Alex is in a state of wonderment at how I have managed to turn JJ into the spitting image of Mr Bean and (by default) she is now in the presence of a movie star.
There is a split second when it could all go horribly horribly wrong.
I really MUST learn to control my laughter but I just can't at this point and luckily nor can they - both my children have a pretty good sense of humour.
Several reassurances and 30 mins later, ........and so long as he wears his fringe to the side - it actually looks like a professional cut his hair.
I probably could have persisted but we were all tired and what the hell, there has to be some repercussions for a) ignoring your mothers sage advice, b)eing rude and c)ing red and throwing a wobbly.
I have assured him that should there ever be a repeat performance there will be NO haircut.
There will be a #2 with the hair trimmer and maybe a short stint in a military academy.
Which I know is a hollow threat because I'm 100% against forced militarisation of anything, but he's not quite sure - not yet anyway.
From the wee inducingly funny, through the gobsmackingly amazed, to the infuriated and beyond and all the way round to the stop you in your tracks simplistic brilliance of both logic and the complete and utter lack of it.
Just because it's the way things are for us at the moment, both kids come to the shop after school and torture my customers with their erratic behaviour.
We're currently playing what I like to call 'Unlucky Dip', you just can't pick it.
One minute they're charming, eloquent, intelligent and insightful beyond their years, regular diplomatic material and the next it's Marlene Dietrich caterwauling and shooting daggers out her eyes whilst on a particularly nasty bender..... I kid you not.
Either they're coming down with the quietly pandemic throat thing that's behaving like - well, like a "pandemic" really... (not so scary when it's small is it, if I've learnt anything from journalists it's that font size matters - just putting it out there) or maybe they've honed in on the uneasy zeitgeist that I'm noticing amongst the general populace.
*Note for future blog*
I've discovered the creative/artistic type to be a curiously accurate barometer of the generalised collective emotional state of us humans. There are no doubt all manner of wild hypothesis, baseless assumptions, windswept and interesting explanations, fictional trials and unsubstantiated fact behind this phenomenon which we'll delve into at a later date but right now this particular moment is about the kiddies.
Maybe they're just being hormonal, temperamental kids who've had a shitty couple of years due to no fault of their own.
Now I'm just vacillating........
They get to shop, JJ the Elder wants to walk home, I say no.
I have organised a hairdresser/barber (no less) to come to the shop and give them both LONG (size doesn't matter.... Ha!) overdue haircuts. Alex the Younger (also known as Monkey) is thrilled, she's been angling on this for some time, JJ was all for it ..... till now.
One can only guess today is different because, ..... because,.... because who knows why, there doesn't have to be logic or reason involved.
JJ looks at me defiantly and says, "NO".
Just like that.
I half expected him to have his arms raised in front of him cartoon boxer style, but he wasn't being funny. It was the unspoken 'just try and make me' tone that spiralled me back to 14 yrs old - I'd said it to my mother in what I imagine was exactly the same tone.. oh oooooh.
A tiny part of me was cheering 'good for you', the majority however was thinking, you little bugger.
My response was mature, "YES YOU ARE and there's nothing you can do about it."
Famous last words.
JJ walked over to the counter, snaffled the scissors and said, "I'm going to cut it first so she can't cut it".
This is where I failed. I took the logical path.
"Don't be silly JJ, she's only giving you a trim unless you botch it up and she has to cut it short", I said.
No response, customer walks in and I get distracted.
When the artist has left JJ appears from the store room, nonchalantly walking past me. I am so taken aback I start to laugh.... aloud.
It's like someone has downed 14 beers, put a bowl on their head and gone wild.
Picture the 70's love child of Uncle Fester and Sonny Bono, not exactly the look he hoped to achieve I'm guessing.
There is unhappiness as he realises just what he has done.
Having chopped all my hair off (we're talking a #3 with the hair trimmer) at 14 because I had a thing for punk culture and music, I know it's only a few months and it will grow out again - but he's not concentrating on that right now.
We go out to the balcony, have a hug and I try to even the length a bit, realising as I go that this is going to be a job for a professional. So, what do I do? What any cash strapped parent would do................
When we get home I throw down a towel on the bathroom floor, set up a precariously balanced stool on top of a kids chair, (ingenuity people ........we don't have any tall stools at home) which cunningly serves 2 very similar porpoises. The first being to keep JJ focused and still as there are few things worse than trying to trim the hair of a moving object and the second being to give me the option of unbalancing him if he gets lippy. Besides, it adds a little excitement to the mix, for both of us.
I spend a good 40 minutes just getting the length evened out. When I step back to take a look I realise it's just a neater version of his effort. I have a look on my face and can't help the intake of breath as I'm trying not to laugh, he sees and hears this and asks me accusingly, "What Mum, what have you done?"
And then Alex the Younger comes into the bathroom, she is terribly excited as she has been waiting for some time to see the end product.
"Oh my god JJ, you look just like Mr Bean," every word she says is emphasized so we're all quite clear this is momentous. Alex is in a state of wonderment at how I have managed to turn JJ into the spitting image of Mr Bean and (by default) she is now in the presence of a movie star.
There is a split second when it could all go horribly horribly wrong.
I really MUST learn to control my laughter but I just can't at this point and luckily nor can they - both my children have a pretty good sense of humour.
Several reassurances and 30 mins later, ........and so long as he wears his fringe to the side - it actually looks like a professional cut his hair.
I probably could have persisted but we were all tired and what the hell, there has to be some repercussions for a) ignoring your mothers sage advice, b)eing rude and c)ing red and throwing a wobbly.
I have assured him that should there ever be a repeat performance there will be NO haircut.
There will be a #2 with the hair trimmer and maybe a short stint in a military academy.
Which I know is a hollow threat because I'm 100% against forced militarisation of anything, but he's not quite sure - not yet anyway.
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